23 Days — A Painful Mile Marker

It’s been 23 days since my beautiful wife passed. That’s the longest amount of time I’ve ever gone without seeing my sweet girl, without kissing her good morning, without kissing her goodnight, without holding her hand under the covers as we went to sleep. Each day beyond this will be a new “longest time”, but…

Waiting for the End — A Long, Slow Fall

When the diagnosis first comes it’s a shock. Like an unseen punch to the face that leaves your head feeling waterlogged and spinning, at least there’s hope to reach for. Not unlike a fall while rock climbing, the thin crevices and fissures that seemed too narrow to be viable suddenly seem like solid outposts of…

My World, Shrinking

I was never the soft one. I had the harsh edges and the strong opinions. A bit on the Asperger’s scale, what’s in front of my face is the most important thing in the world at the moment, and sometimes it’s hard for people like me to think about consequences. It’s haunted me my entire…

The Rogue Tear

I’ve seen the phenomena before without realizing what it was. It never occurred to me that I could dig past the obvious and find a hidden well of emotion–or, perhaps it did and I just avoided doing it. A lone tear sliding down someone’s cheek can be written off as so many things, particularly when…

Killing It

  Gretel walked to the edge of the course and squinted down range, holding her hand above her knockoff, Ferragamo sunglasses to see past the noonday glare. “I can’t even see the target,” she said without turning as a gentle breeze lifted the golden curls from her shoulder. She closed her eyes and delighted in…

Stop Crying

What do you do when the only person you’ve ever been able to fully express your emotions with, can’t be there anymore. Stop Crying. When you spend your whole life adjusting your personality to filter your emotions, it must be a special person who succeeds in unprogramming that trait. A harsh father, years of military…

Later

Like a slow knife penetrating the gut, the doctor’s test result briefing was bad–though we didn’t understand most of his terms, we could tell by the expression on his face that there wasn’t much in the way of good news. But then came a word we recognized; tumor. The thing about cancer is that it’s…

Remission is the Mission

Home for 40 hours, but it still doesn’t feel like home…I don’t know if it ever will again. It’s always hard, I’m sure. But you never realize exactly how hard until it sneaks up behind you and shoves you down the stairs…then jumps on your chest and starts punching you in the face—-fuck cancer. For…