The Walk, The Wall, or the Cliff

When I was young I believed in love. A hopeless romantic bruised by reality until, eventually, I put the notion away with other things from my childhood like the baseball mitt that I outgrew.

You changed that. You, curious and sweet you, dug with me through that old box and found my old baseball mitt among the things I had forgotten. You found my belief in love and then you did what no one else had… you coaxed it to grow.

I dreamed again. You made me dream. Damn it all, you made me dream again. And by God didn’t we dream big? As big as our love.

Each and every day we had together was spent dreaming and working toward those dreams. The slow road. We became something new together, both of us arising out of the grief and pain we lived and became something bigger than that, better than that.

The Dreams sustained us.

When the universe chose to take you from me it left behind everything we had already built and all the dreams, weighing on one lonely, inconsolable, lost soul. And the dreams of two cannot be built by one.

Are you waiting for me? Are you at the end of my road waiting to pick up where we left off? Are you there?!

I can walk that path, the path of our dreams, praying that we will be together to share those deeds again. But that walk always leads to the unavoidable reality that I am still just one person trying to fulfill the dreams of two. And that is an impossibility. One can’t build the dreams of two in love because the dream was of the two, it was of the love, the joy, the satisfaction, the contentment in what we accomplish.

That wall meets me at every step. Each step forward alone makes the pain of that loneliness more real… it gives it a life of its own. And how exquisitely tempting it is to sit on the side of that path and ache in the memory of what we had already done, and wallow in the things that will never be because you’re gone. Are you waiting for me? Are you there?

Getting up is hard. Putting one foot in front of the other is harder. I’d rather just sit. You make me so angry, so hurt, so much more in love with you. In your absence, my heart has indeed grown fonder. And though I loved you more each day than the day before while you were here, since you’ve gone you have risen to the status of a goddess–a bright and graceful being of mercy, light, and love. And still, it grows, with each new day of grief, I only want to be with you more.

Are you really there?

That wall is the unclimbable goal. Impossible for one to climb, it is defeat at the outset. And I can’t linger there too long or the sorrow overwhelms…and then I look in the direction of the cliff. And no good can come from that… no good at all.

Are you waiting?

I have to believe it. I must. I am forced to. Because without that belief, there is nothing to move me in my walk along our path. If you are not there waiting for me then the wall becomes the temple of my grief and there I would pray and cry and lament my loss until the only remaining solace, the only choice is the cliff… and no good can come by visiting the cliff…none at all.

Be there. You know where. We said it to each other many times before the end. Be there. Please, my sweet, sweet beautiful woman, be there. Because if you are not, no good can come of that…. no good at all.

200 Days… if anyone ever asks how long it takes the pain to subside after losing your soulmate….it’s not 200 days. In fact, today it feels worse than day 1.

3 thoughts on “The Walk, The Wall, or the Cliff

  1. I realize most of the time I’m holding my breath when you share such depths of emotion – such transparency. And I can ‘feel’ others letting out their breath as you share their very soul and give them release. Honored to be one of those you allow to peak in. Prayers always.

    Liked by 1 person

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