I never believed in soulmates. I thought that was romantic nonsense and anyone who ached to meet theirs was in for a long and lonely wait with lots of really bad relationships strewn on the path behind them. I always believed that a good relationship, a fulfilling relationship, was nothing more than lots of hard work and a lot of forgiveness from both people. And for the most part I was right about all of that.
But I did discover there is a such a thing as a soulmate.
It’s not the divinely crafted souls of two people, destined to be together. It’s not two halves of the same souls, drawn to each other across time and space to occupy the same love. No…that’s romantic nonsense. Because if you ever met your “soulmate” and didn’t do the work…both of you…all the time, you’d still end up hating each other and either breaking up in a fiery blaze of broken plates, or staying together because the idea of starting over was just too exhausting.
Here’s the thing; there are some people who would be more compatible with you than others. For some, it’s a lot of people, for some it’s, well… If you’re like me, there may really only be three or four. You need to work on that… seriously. You can do better.
There is one major problem with the process of finding a soul mate and it’s that you have to know the steps 1 through 3, but you have to apply them in reverse. That’s because the most important part of finding a soulmate comes before you even start looking. So, here they are; the 3 steps to finding a soulmate, in reverse order.
Step 3 to finding a soul mate: Find someone who you don’t argue with about every little thing. A relationship is doomed to failure if it begins with frequent conflict. And, more than likely, at least one of you is engaging in that conflict on purpose early on to establish the pecking order. That is the red flag of all red flags. If you’re proud of yourself for standing your ground on occasion in a new relationship, get over yourself. You’re either teaching the other person that you will have your way and they need to get used to it, or they are training you to accept conflict or give them their way. That’s super messed up and it’s really common. Most relationships fail because one person has a dominant role and they become so used to it that the other simply grows exhausted catering to the bigger ego. They may even stay together forever, but it will be a messy, dysfunctional, codependent, constant passive aggressive ride for both parties. And it sucks…sucks, sucks, sucks.
To avoid this problem, a long courtship with careful attention to the number and cause of arguments is critical. You must be able to identify the behavior in yourself as well as in your potential future soulmate. If you feel like you have to be on your best behavior all the time to accomplish this, or if the other person seems to bite their tongue when they obviously want to jump in with both feet, it’s probably not a great match. Keep looking. (Or improving yourself).
Step 2. And this one is really the key to it all. This next part is the part that will guarantee that when you find a compatible personality in another person, that the two of you really could be soulmates. It’s a simple enough concept, and if you shape your actions and responses with this in mind, there is no reason you can’t enjoy a full, rich, loving, supportive, nurturing relationship.
If this had been an April Fool’s joke, this is where the blog would end. But it’s not a joke.
The secret ingredient to finding a soulmate is. PROTECT YOUR PARTNER’S HEART.
There is nothing else more important in your life. It is your responsibility. You aren’t responsible for the other person’s happiness, amusement, comfort, safety, or anything else. You are responsible for protecting his or her heart. All other things flow naturally from that position. If you focus on happiness, security, comfort, safety, amusement, all you’re doing is trying to emulate the symptoms of love. Those things don’t make love. Those things are what happen when you have love. And to have love, your most crucial reason for existence is to protect your partner’s heart. From that all the other symptoms of love will flow.
Problem; What if I’m the only one doing it?
That brings us to
Step 1. Apply the understanding of step 2 when searching for that soulmate in step 3. You have to know what it feels like in yourself before you can find it in another. If you don’t recognize it in yourself or your partner, you either give until you can’t give anymore, or you take until they can’t give anymore. Both people in a relationship must have protecting the heart of the their partner as the most important part of their life. You can’t accidentally break someone’s heart if it is your job to protect it…when that goal is present before you make any decision or place yourself in any temptation that might hurt them. In other words, it means you’re not constantly thinking of yourself you selfish asshole. 😉
Find that same desire in your partner, the desire to protect your heart, and I can promise you still won’t have a perfect life. Sorry…that doesn’t happen. But you will find the richness of love.
It changes you. It makes tender moments last for centuries. It makes joy the standard by which all days are measured.
And if it seems like too much effort, then just get a cat. They don’t care as long as you feed them every day.